A Wonderful Mother's Day

Hope and Faith are two things that I have lost and gained in the past couple of years. I had hope and faith that one day I would be a mom, and then in a doctor's office I lost them both when I was diagnosed with infertility. As my heart was breaking, I heard the doctor telling me that this was not the end. With those few little words, I found hope and faith. As we went through our first round of IVF I was optimistic. I endured the test, the every other day blood work, the nightly injections, the egg retrieval and transfer, and the long 8 day wait to see if we were going to be parents. In one short phone call, I lost my hope and faith again, when the nurse told me that it didn't work. In the next couple of weeks we talked about our options, and we tried again. I tried to find my hope and faith, but they were both wavering. We started a frozen cycle, and went through all the injections and medicines again. We waited the 8 agonizing days and found out that we were pregnant. I found my hope and faith again, and this made the next 11 weeks of injections bearable. I took my last injection, and then I found out that the precious baby I was carrying was gone. My hope and faith were gone along with pieces of my heart that I don't know will ever be found. After grieving the loss and shedding many tears, I found myself questioning my beliefs. Somehow I found the strength to try one more time. I took the little hope and faith I could muster and began the injections, test, and blood work for our third cycle. Eight days later I found out that I was expecting again. I had little hope and faith that this pregnancy would last. At 7 weeks Patrick and I went in for the first ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat. I had little hope that there would be anything. As the doctor scanned my belly she laughed and said you are having triplets. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was terrified to hope and was afraid to believe. As the weeks past we told no one, and I waited for the other shoe to drop. I thought it had when I started spotting. I found out that I had a hemorrhage between the two gestational sacs. At this point I lost my hope and faith, and I knew this pregnancy would end. Weeks past and the hemorrhage resolved, and like always my hope and faith were found. At almost 21 weeks I had an ultrasound and found out that I would need a cerclage to help keep the babies in. While I didn't lose hope or faith, they were stretched thin. After about 2 weeks of bed rest I noticed the slightest bit of spotting. I decided it might be smart to call the doctors office and see what they thought. They saw me right away. I had hope and faith that all would be okay, but that was not the case. I was admitted to the hospital because I had dilated 3 cm. All hope and faith were gone. As the days passed, my hope and faith slowly came back, but I would lose it again when we went into full labor and delivered Reagan too early. My heart was broken and my spirit was crushed, but I was thankful for the 2 hours that God had given us with her. When week 23 passed, I was at the end of my rope hanging on to what little hope and faith I could manage. When Emma and Abigail were born I found that while scared about if they would make it, I had complete hope and faith that they would. I guess this whole story is my way of saying that every time I lost my hope and faith, I knew that it was in those times that God held me close and helped me to find my way back. I have no doubt that he is holding my girls in the palm of his hand and keeping them safe every moment of every day. It is with hope and faith that I enter the world of motherhood. I couldn't of asked for a better Mother's Day, because this Mother's Day I was a mother.

Today Patrick took me to a wonderful brunch to celebrate. He gave me a Demdaco figurine of a mother holding a baby. Of course he gave me a sweet and dear card, but he also gave me a card that said "On Mother's Day you are entitled to a stiff drink." I agreed!! The girls sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers which were full of pink tulips, roses, and snap dragons. When we got to the hospital one of the biggest gifts of the day was to see Emma on a nasal cannula instead of the CPAP. While this was great to see, because we actually got to see her face, it was short lived. It's okay though, because we have faith that she'll be back on it soon when she's a little stronger. Anther great part of the day was holding Abigail for two hours. It's always such a great feeling when you get to hold them. The girls had Daddy give me a card and a sweet letter from them. To top off the day they gave me a wonderful frame with pictures of them both in it. Today was a wonderful Mother's Day.